Do not 'piggy back' your arguments.

Do not 'piggy back' your arguments.

 How often have you told your partner "I wish you would pick up your socks", only to be told "Well, what about you - you always leave the kitchen in a mess and expect me to clean it". This is a very destructive way of arguing and is often just a knee jerk reaction designed to protect and focus attention away from oneself. Make a point of not responding to this poor communication strategy and never to be guilty of it yourself. If you wait for your partner to speak to you about something that bothers him and then jump on him with a complaint of your own, you will firstly discourage him from speaking to you about problems and secondly, you will be sure to cause an argument in which no one 'wins' and in which the issue at hand is never resolved.

 When something bothers you, whether it is big or small, speak calmly to your partner about it. Do not wait for her to bring up a related issue and then 'jump on the bandwagon'. If your partner speaks about something on her mind, thank her for telling you about how she feels and try and understand her point of view and improve the way that you handle things. If she says "I wish you wouldn't leave your socks all over the place", say "Thanks for telling me that it bugs you. I will try to remember to put them in the laundry basket in future." Is that so difficult? Don't add your own 'complaint' to the list. Take responsibility for voicing your own concerns when they arise, rather than 'piggy backing' them onto a concern of your partner's.

 If you find your partner doing this, say "That is a different issue. You are welcome to talk to me about it when it arises again. For now, can we deal with what I have said?"

 

Posted in: Ten Steps to Better Communication