Priorities your time together

  Priorities your time together

 As I said above, it is not enough to agree in principle. That is why regular quality time happens so infrequently between couples. Just like anything else, you have to prioritize time together. You have to see it as more important than the other things that take up your time or else it will not happen - especially if you have a busy schedule.

 Why do most people get up every morning and go to work? Not because they love it, but because they have a routine of doing so, usually from Monday to Friday and at specified times. They are required to put in a certain amount of work and so they do. What would happen to the majority of us if our employers said that we could come to work 'when we had the time' and were prepared to pay us and promote us whether or not we did much work? How much time would we allocate to our work? What would we achieve?

 Remember the old friend that you bumped into at the supermarket? The one who said that you should get together 'some time soon'? Have you heard from her? The chances are that you have not. What about the one who invited you for tea on Saturday afternoon at 3 pm? Now that would probably be an important date that you would want to keep!

 If you expect the rewards of a good relationship, you MUST make regular time to spend together by prioritizing this as important in your life and by officially blocking off the time. If someone asks you around on a Friday night - and that is the night you usually spend with your partner, say 'I am busy that night'. Make your time together the most important thing you do and it will certainly pay off! I cannot over-stress the importance of regular time together. This is so important that I have even advised couples to discontinue counseling unless they are prepared to make time together.

 I am often amazed at people who are surprised that they get on better with their friends than their partners without realizing that one of the reasons is that they spend more quality time with their friends!

 Many couples who have become estranged due to lack of time together, may find that when they do decide to work on it, they either end up arguing or they cannot find two words to say to each other. They then give it up as a 'bad job'. Many come to their next therapy session and tell me 'It didn't work'.

 My answer is 'That is fine. You did it - now keep doing it!' The fact is that you cannot expect to suddenly start communicating by magic! If you haven't been out together for awhile, your expectations of the evening may be high and this could cause stress - which results in an argument. Small talk is easier between regular strangers than between couples. After all, you know most of the details of each other's histories (career, hobbies, children, etc) - so you cannot simply chatter away as you would with a stranger.

 If your first attempt does not work out, congratulate each other on spending the evening together and decide a date for the next time. Spend time together regardless of how difficult the time is - so long as you are both committed to keep on trying, that is the most important thing

Posted in: Ten Steps to Better Communication