Don't use 'stonewalling', 'cold war' or 'passive aggressive' tactics to try and communicate your displeasure

Don't use 'stonewalling',  'cold war' or 'passive aggressive' tactics to try and communicate your displeasure

 We are all guilty of this sometimes and these can be very destructive communication patterns.

 If your partner does something that you don't like, you may 'freeze up' and refuse to talk to or look at him for days. I have counseled couples who have been in this mode for months or even years. Learn to speak about your feelings and take responsibility for working through them with your partner. Remember, silences can become longer and longer each time until you both loose touch with each other permanently. This is very difficult to reverse after it has reached a certain point.

 Don't be 'passive aggressive'. This is a very common and unhealthy way of communicating where the person deliberately and stubbornly refuses to co-operate as a way of communicating anger or resentment. A very simple example is the three-year-old child who works as slowly as possible to the bathroom because she does not want to go and have a bath. An 'adult' version of this would be a partner who withholds money from the budget because she is angry or who runs up the credit card as a way of 'punishing' her partner. Some people withhold sex, money or affection in order to communicate their angry or resentful feelings. Passive aggressive behavior is infuriating and childish! Take responsibility for your feelings and speak about them. Set clear limits and make your own decisions about how to respond in a mature way to your partner's behavior.

Posted in: Ten Steps to Better Communication